Hello Beautiful

My name is Tammy and I've been blogging for over 8 years now. I started blogging because I wanted to share my beauty hauls and lifestyle experiences. I'm also a pro-consumer, which is probably the fire in my life.

This blog is now happily written by the cutest couple you've ever seen. Gareth's Irish while I'm Malaysian. We met in the most unexpected way possible and since then have been in a loving relationship. He loves to eat, drink and try new exciting things (even extreme sports) while I love the quieter things in life, like spas, massages, shopping and beauty! But we have something in common, we both love travelling.
  • Top 10 Female Bloggers Msia
  • Founder of The Butterfly Project Malaysia
  • Winner of Cleo's Next Top Blogger Msia

My Name Was Stupid Fat Pig

9.09.2015

expressions of the self part 2

Since young, I learnt never to expect anything from anyone and have empathy in life. It is with empathy that I can see through the darkest of all souls and a glimmer of light in each one. It is without holding on to expectations that I cannot be disappointed. I thank myself for having this two strengths in me because it has shape who I am today. Emotions are strength, food for the soul.

A broken family at 10, days I eat only a simple meal, raised by a single mom, molested by my own relative, witness my stepfather abuse my mom, had an ex fiance who degraded me everyday for 13 years, and whom I gave up my education and future in Australia, for the one man that did not love me in the end.
 

it was piggy, fat pig then stupid fat pig


You would think I am stronger because of the pain of growing up. I wasn't but slowly, I did. What hurts the most was being called stupid fat pig by the one person whom you gave your heart to. What started as a teasingly funny nickname soon turned into a daily greeting accompanied with eyes that haunt you for years. I forgive him believing one day, he would call me baby again. He was going through depression from working, lost his job and wasn't working for nearly a year. While I was living and caring for him, we were strangers in the same home. He would ignore me, go out whenever he wants to. I should give him some space I said to myself. After all we are going to have a whole lifetime being married together. I didn't rush the wedding plans; the timing wasn't right with all that is happening.

As I looked into the mirror at the end of my relationship with my first love, I was shocked at how I did become stupid fat pig in the end. My self-image, was shaved till I could no longer recognise myself.


even the strong cries


I said to myself, no more. Finally letting go of this man, who fell in love with a China girl on a business trip. I gave them my blessing for the better of us both. I did not make it hard for him. I left peacefully when I was asked to get the f*** out, cried my heart out at the home I helped built together, leaving empty handed. I remember hiding in the wardrobe, warm tears on my cheeks, clenching my fists over my heart. Praying to God to take the pain away. When I confronted him about the cheating affair with evidence, he denied it and said it was "none of my business". With those very words I finally was set free from the demons I grew myself.


it's not weak, to be weak


Empathy is a powerful reason for living. Things happened and some things happens for a reason, even before you know it. God has everything planned for everyone, and it takes a good deal of life, to get there. I am not who I am today, if it wasn't for all the experiences I went through. My life can't be unfold in a mere few sentences but it is the reason why I continue to feel for people. My passion to help and care for my friends, even strangers can be my weakness. I trust without trusting, I give without expecting anything back. While many don't believe there are people who genuinely want to make a better world out there, in paying it forward, in the greater good of people, there are people born out of life circumstances that do not see the world by merely materialistic wealth.

Are you in a emotionally abusive relationship? Know how to spot the differences between being hurt and being love by reading my first expression here - behind the smile

Some things, are priceless like friendships, kindness, compassion and understanding. I am grateful for all the support and friendship from everyone till now. For my friends who feel it's hard to keep going, uncertain of what the future holds for you, being hurt secretly behind closed doors. Don't give up and don't let anyone take you, away from you. Dedicating this song Weak by Daphne Koo to you.


Weak by Daphne Koo

It's hard to smile
at my reflection,
when I wake up, I wonder why
all I see, are the imperfections.
All the proof that i'm not alright.

Oh and I confess
that none of this makes sense,
A new struggle everyday, ohhh
But I know sometimes,
we gotta be lost to find,
to find our way
don't be afraid

Even the strong cry,
when no one's looking
we try not to scared on the outside,
but I know that there's strength from the fall,
it's not weak, to be weak at all.

behind these eyes,
a world is hiding
where I feel safe, but so alone
all my scars, they keep me fighting
for a place I can call my own

Oh and I confess
that none of this makes sense,
A new struggle everyday, ohhh
But I know sometimes,
we gotta be lost to find,
to find our way
don't be afraid

Even the strong cry,
when no one's looking
we try not to scared on the outside,
but I know that there's strength from the fall,
it's not weak, to be weak at all.

14 comments:

  1. So sad reading your story. Be strong in everything that you do. Look forward and let go the past. Hope you'll be happier in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry to hear this, wish you get better now, you will be stronger after this incident.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I knew you will be there for anyone who need help. I also ever wander where is ur parents and family as you seldom mention them.

    it's a bit dramatic when i read this " I remember hiding in the wardrobe, warm tears on my cheeks, clenching my fists over my heart. like really just from movie, haha.

    but I wont be tolerate like that lo, haha.

    TQ, tammy you made us understand you more =D * HUG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. not drama, it's real and i think most girls going through break up can relate this kinda scene and pain...

      Delete
  4. Tammy...
    Cry if you must because only the strong one cry

    Thank God coz here you are now, shining brightly over others who will pray for your happiness

    Somehow I could relate to your story, but was called with ah-qua and lembut all my life, by school friends and even family members

    Yet, here we are today, stronger than ever
    Experience gives you thick skin and tough bones
    Your scars makes you beautiful

    I wish I could hug you now
    And talk over the experience with you over coffee somewhere.. just having heart to heart session

    Let's do it, Tammy
    Lets set a date!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes. Strong woman doesn't mean you r a failure. Your story is a great moral to show to the world that you r still strong and stronger! A lot of love & huggies😍

    ReplyDelete
  6. why most of the time, woman is the one get hurt, but not man?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dedicating this song Try by Colbie Caillat to you :)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

    ReplyDelete
  8. I definitely feel you Tammy dear, since my past have been more or less just like yours and I know how you feel...unfortunately for me, I could not even count on my own mother... she was the one who made me the victim, and that is why even up to today though I treat her civilly I do not adore her like other daughters tend to adore their moms... I did not have anyone to rely on when I was a kid except a handful of friends...who also kind of came and went in my life...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know you're a strong woman but I just want to hug you right now.. I could not imagine being in your place.. loving someone for 13 (THIRTEEEENNN) years and have that sort of ending and treatment. That would surely ruined me.. :( You deserve every good things coming your way! Wish you a lifelong happiness in everything that you do, all right.

    It makes me thinking.. that the one who smiles the most, probably has the most bitter stories to tell. :\

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ur so strong!! Thank God for your strength, friends & family whom supported you. Im glad he is out of ur life. Ur such an inspiration to many well if not many to me at least hehe.. Yaay!!! God have better plans for you, a better future a better day ahead. :D
    *I keep u in my prayers for a blessed life* Well you are experiencing it every single second now, with great blog post and nice freebies, I wanna join! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Babes, I've been reading your blog for many years.. remember.. whatever people say or do to you, your a lovable and capable person, and more now your turning into a beautiful woman..much xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

meow thx ^_^ for commenting

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